


i'm scared

by woobff



Series: we'll be okay, soon [2]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness, and cry, i spent the night watching jongho's baby moments, so read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 14:03:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19813807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woobff/pseuds/woobff
Summary: " but it's scary knowing that i have to do it again especially when the past few times ends me up with a distant relationship "or,in which jongho opens up to the members.





	i'm scared

**Author's Note:**

> okay lol hello! i spent the night watching baby jongho moments and i don't know why i decided that it was a good idea to portray hurt and sadness to him and i wrote this on the way to school so :>
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated!
> 
> tw! // graphic(?) descriptions of a panic attack so don't read if you're easily triggered! i, myself had a hard time trying to stay calm while writing this so stay careful okay!

" why didn't you tell me? " jongho had never expected such short sentence found hold so much meaning and emotions like a _betrayal_. 

he fiddled with the rings on his fingers, albeit shakily, his heart racing a hundred miles as he hears the other sigh and he couldn't _comprehend_ if he was angry or not. 

" jongho- _yah_ , i'm not angry at y- oh my god you're shaking! " and that was all he had to hear for him to realize that _yes_ , he's entering a panic attack. 

he could no longer feel the shivering of his fingers due to anxiety nor the sounds surrounding him. all he could feel was as if there was a hand wrapped around his throat, not allowing him to breathe. 

he felt helpless as his vision starts to blur up and he starts crying when he was struggling to breathe, feeling as if there was a huge rock atop his chest. 

" -ngho! _jongho_! honey can you hear me? " jongho sobbed harder and tried his best to shake his head. 

he felt rather than see the next movements around him and soon after, he felt a warm comforting palm on his forehead, brushing away his sweaty bangs. 

" i need you to breathe, can you do that? we'll start slowly okay? one. okay _breathe in_ , two _breathe out_ , " he hears the soft voice next to his ear and he tries to follow along, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. 

it might've been minutes later when jongho finally felt the air rushed back in his lungs allowing him to breathe normally. he was so exhausted, the attack taking all of his energy that he just slumps against the chest of the person holding him. 

" how're you feeling baby? " he hears the person asked, his chest rumbling alongside. 

" tired, _hyung_ , " 

seonghwa was worried alright. he had never seen the youngest have an attack that sudden that leaves him so exhausted that the younger just fell asleep the second he was put in bed. 

" _hyung_? " he turned to the source of voice just to be met with san in his doorway, still in his practice attire meaning the group had just ended the practice.

" did jongho cry? " san asked, eyes filled with worry. 

" yeah, "

" what happened? " 

" i think it's best we wait for him to tell us. but for the meantime why don't you and the rest go freshen up? i'll go cook dinner, " 

when jongho woke up, it was because of the feeling of someone playing with his hair. he could feel the fingers carding through his brown locks and he leaned to the touch unknowingly until a poke to his cheek stopped him. 

" jongho- _yah_ , hwa- _hyung_ made dinner, " he hears the soft voice of wooyoung. 

the younger just grunted in mock annoyance before snuggling further into the older's embrace, the smell of his body soap calming him. 

he hears wooyoung giggles in return and before he knew it, arms were under his armpit and knees, effectively carrying him bridal style and out of the room. 

" y-yah! _hyung_ put me down! " jongho squealed, cheeks flaring red as the older made effect noises as if he's a superhero saving a victim, as he ran into the kitchen where everybody was sitting and chatting. 

" i've brought the baby of the group, " wooyoung exclaimed, his fingers tickling jongho's side making the younger giggle. 

once the small commotion was over, with jongho safely seated in between seonghwa and jongho, dinner began without a hitch. 

a bowl of tteokbokki along with a small plate of chicken was placed infront of him, making his eyes light up in excitement. 

" thank you _hyung_! "jongho thanked before taking his chopsticks to take the first bite. 

seonghwa who was next to him could only sigh in relief.

at least, he's okay now. 

jongjo was in the midst of chewing his chicken when he felt a small pat on his right thigh. 

" do you wanna talk about just now? " 

right. just now. the panic attack. which means he would have to say whatever he said to seonghwa just now. the thought itself scared him shitless. 

what if the rest judged him. what if the rest didn't want to be with him anymore. what if- 

" hey baby, breathe. look at me and breathe okay? " his cheeks were cupped and turned to his right so he was face to face with a worried seonghwa. 

" i'm scared _hyung_ , " he confessed, his hands fisted as he felt a tear slipped down his cheeks. 

seonghwa sighed before bringing the younger to his chest, arms wrapped around his waist as he lets the boy sniffles. 

" jongho? what's wrong? " yunho asked and no one knew when or how he appeared by jongho's side, squatting down to be in eye level with him through the small space. 

" hwa- _hyung_ can you tell them? i-i don't want to fall into an attack again, " jongho pleaded, and he sniffles harder when yunho interlocks their hand together. 

" of course baby " 

seonghwa had managed to make the younger sleep, his head resting on top of his lap, as the group of boys sat in a circle. 

yunho had taken the responsibility to sit next to seonghwa so he could link pinkies with jongho as a sign of comfort. 

" so you guys know how jongho has been quite quiet the past few days? like how he hasn't been his usual cheery self even among us in the dorms? " the oldest started, his hand automatically finding home in jongho's hair, carding them through it. 

the nods from the members were all it took for him to continue. 

" that was because he was in a depressive episode and it was his third this year, " he adds on, his voice wavering as he remembers how the younger had approached him with fear written all over his face. 

he could remember distinctively how jongho had shown his thighs and told him how the white line appeared. 

" jongho has depression? " yeosang starts and everyone could see how his eyes were already welling up with tears. 

" yeah for _six years,_ " 

it was currently twelve am and the group has yet to disperse to their bedrooms to call it a day. 

instead, they're all lounging around the living room but still trying to be as close as possible with the maknae. 

mingi and yunho were cuddling by jongho's feet, not once minding the position. 

hongjoong and yeosang were sitting behind seonghwa, both deep in focus researching how to be a help and be emotional support for the youngest. 

san and wooyoung took the chance to lay next near the younger, not caring how they had to cushion their head with their arms due to the lack of pillows. 

seonghwa felt movements from jongho signaling that he was awake so he gently helped the younger up to a sitting position. 

" How's your sleep buddy? " hongjoong asked from behind, followed by the soft ruffle to his hair. 

" ' _s_ good, " came the sleepy reply and everyone had to hold back their tears as they remember how much the younger had to suffer.

how they saw the number of tears the younger lets out just from the span of hours and how swollen his eyes had looked. even the dried tear tracks on his cheeks were glistening against the light from the television 

" why were you afraid to tell us? " he heard mingi asked from somewhere followed by a slap and a ' _what the fuck mingi, change your phrasing!_ ' 

" sorry, i- jongho, you know i love you but yeah, " mingi tries but ends up failing. causing the said boy to burst to giggles. 

" you know we would never judge you right? " san starts once everybody has calmed down. 

" i know _hyung_. but it's scary knowing that i have to do it again especially when the past few times ends me up with a distant relationship, " jongho replies, clearly exhausted as he rests his head on his wooyoung's shoulder. 

" you don't mean- " 

" yeah, my family don't really accept a mentally ill child. i basically lost the love the moment i said i had depression, " he finalizes, a bitter smile on his face and a stray tear making its presence by rolling down his cheeks. 

but he no longer feels the bitter feeling that's wrapped around his heart no more. when he sees the face of his members, all he feels was _warmth_ and love. 

and when wooyoung pulled him into a hug soon followed by the rest wrapping their arms around him, he realized that maybe this won't be a repeat of the last time. 

he's gonna be okay, after waiting for so long. 


End file.
